My Silent Struggle With Control

Janice Konstantinidis
2 min readJan 8, 2024

Anorexia and Bulimia.

In the quiet corners of my life, I’ve long harbored truths that I’ve kept hidden, shrouded in the shadows of shame and fear. For decades, these personal secrets have remained silent, threatening to unravel the image of myself that I’ve carefully constructed.

The fear of judgment and its potential repercussions have cast a long shadow over my sense of self, compelling me to choose a path of silence, where these secrets are locked away deep within my mind. The burden of this secrecy is heavy, but the fear of revealing it seems even heavier.

Silence often masks the most harmful truths. I find myself in a paradoxical struggle for control, a common theme in psychological discourse. Despite understanding the life-threatening potential of my actions, I’m unable to deter myself. It’s as though the need for control has surpassed my instinct for self-preservation. This compulsive pursuit often stems from moments in my past where I felt powerless, particularly during my formative years.

Throughout my life, I’ve read about my condition, learning the irony of my pursuit: in trying to gain control, I become trapped by the very things I try to master. This isn’t unique to me; it’s a human dilemma where our quest for autonomy can lead to self-sabotage. The more I try to hold onto control, the more it slips away, leaving me feeling even more powerless.

My internal conflict is rooted in the shadows of my past, especially the turbulent times of my…

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Janice Konstantinidis

I am a lover of fine cheese, my dogs, my garden, knitting, photography, writing and more!