I hope you really do forgive yourself for these things. I’ve been one to ignore red lights as well. I’m not sure if I ignored them, or it was a matter of not wanting to process what they might mean. At the risk of speaking in clichés, at any point in time, we will act and respond from the knowledge and skill set we have at that time. Our previous life experiences and state of mind will determine what is in our skill set. This is pretty random, but I wanted to slot it in here - the one most set of skills I learned, which will prevent me from entering into another bad relationship, is my intense awareness of boundaries. I wasn’t taught or shown them as a child and young person. I don’t see me ever forming another romantic relationship; I want that time for me now, but my boundaries help with the people I choose to allow into my life. Sending support and love. You’re doing great things there!