An Asperger’s Marriage

I was raised in a rural culture where you attend to something that you see needs doing. At the same time, people had their roles to fulfill. When I got married, I made many assumptions about roles, doing what needed doing, etc.

I was in a horrible crisis state after we married. I was so anxious that I was all but out of my body; my husband withdrew from me. I blamed myself. I tried to recover the connection we once had, and when he withdrew, I became unhappier.

It wasn’t about 16 years after we were married that I began learning about Asperger’s and Autism. By then, the die had been cast; the marriage was dead. I began to accept how helpless I was in the face of Asperger’s/AS. He acknowledged he was on the Spectrum, but he saw no reason to change.

Why would he change? He wasn’t prepared to take therapy seriously. Could he, in fact, change? I read all I could. The lack of ‘Theory of Mind’ was obvious in hindsight. The more I read, the more I knew he wouldn’t change. I grew sick at the sight of his masking when we were out or in company. If he could do this for others, why not for me, even occasionally, since socializing caused him so much anxiety.

I felt deceived and alone, with no intimacy, no reciprocity, nothing tactile. It was soul-destroying. He saw no wrong in it. He was a different person until we got married. I ceased to become his special interest.

I was lonely, resentful, triggered, and depressed. Mostly though, I hated myself for staying, for having nowhere to go, for being…